The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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