The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
