YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
