Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
