please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
