i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
