I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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