Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
