he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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