We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
