the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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