Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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