She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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