I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
