Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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