I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
