If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
