I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
