We got so high we made milksteak
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
