Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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