There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
