dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
