Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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