I want to walk on stilts...naked
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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