And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
