I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
