I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
