my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
