Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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