my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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