I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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