right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
