i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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