You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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