she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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