Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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