you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
