My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
