I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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