so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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