You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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