bring money and cleavage
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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