That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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