Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
