Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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