i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
