The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
