got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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