she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I party with great urgency now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
