And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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