oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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