You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
