I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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